What I ought to feel
…is gratitude and thankfulness. I ought to stroke my daughters’ hair and feel the softness and feel my heart melt. I love the cards I got and the beautiful picture frame that was handmade.
But I am so, so sad today. I am putting on a good show, because it’s the right thing to do. The sadness is winning right now.
My heart is broken in two for missing two mothers today.
What I want, I can’t have. What I want to do is to have my mom over for a big dinner, or to go to my childhood home and celebrate there with my daughters. Instead, I’ll drive to the cemetary that I walked through on my way home every day after school and place nasturtiums on my mohter’s grave.
I would love to call M. today and have her feel comfortable in accepting that she is a mother too. I wish that even if she rejected that she is a mother, that we could at least have a relationship. I suppose we can’t have the latter without the former. I don’t pretend to understand or know. I guess that’s the problem in the first place.
So, what I ought to feel is a whole lot of gratitude. I was never promised any children whatsoever. I have two miracle children who are healthy and happy. I ought to be praying for Isabel’s mother and sending her good thoughts and reassurance that her daughter is alright and loved and that I’m so sorry that her motherhood has not been given a chance.
I’m just so sad. It’s all so unfair, all the loss. For all of us.
7 comments May 11, 2008
