A short mention of my mother

December 4, 2006 at 7:49 pm 5 comments

Eight years ago today my mom died. She was diagnosed with metastasized cancer on October 13th and she died on December 4th just a few weeks later. Somewhere in between those two dates I got married and we were lucky that my mom was able to come to the wedding. It still takes my breath away to say and think about my mom dying and that she hasn’t been alive for the last eight years. My mom was one of those truly vibrant and alive people who are walking around living and embodying the secrets to good and happy living despite great losses.

One of the only times I saw her cry while she was sick was when we talked about how she would never be a grandmother. That was about the hardest thing for her – to leave this life without seeing her grandchildren. She was living for that day and was so happy that her 30 year-old daughter was ‘finally’ getting married so that she could finally get in on the baby action. That was before she got cancer.

So, when she decided not to seek treatment, we had a talk about babies and motherhood. I asked her what I should name our children. She told me that she always wished that her name had been what Zannie’s full name is. I told her I would name my daughter that and that her middle name would be my mom’s first name. Sometime in the following days my mom had my dad or someone go and buy crib bedding that she had seen in a store that she loved. I received it with exquisite joy and sadness – her only earthly gift to her grandchildren.

My mom would so love to be around today to enjoy her granddaughter and to witness the celebration of her next granddaughter. The things we could talk about! We both struggled with infertility, loss of babies, adopting. There is so much taken from her from cancer and from me and from my daughters. It’s overwhelming.

I do my best to pass on what I loved most about my mother and her gifts to me. Gardening, cooking, art and being visually aware of your surroundings to name a few. I hope that someday I have half the backbone that she did and if ever faced with a life-threatening disease, I hope to have half of her courage and dignity. I miss her so much.
I miss you mama.

June Smith
1934-1998

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Entry filed under: Children, Daughters, Family, infertility, Motherhood, Parenting.

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. imhelendt  |  December 5, 2006 at 12:15 pm

    I’m sobbing. I am so sorry.

    Reply
  • 2. kim.kim  |  December 6, 2006 at 6:47 am

    I am sorry for your loss. You will be a great mother and that will be your legacy to her.

    Reply
  • 3. Leona  |  December 10, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    Tina, my heart goes out to you as I know that these feelings will be with you all your life. I understand, absolutely.

    Bless you, and hugs to you.

    Reply
  • 4. MomSquared  |  December 14, 2006 at 10:25 am

    A beautiful tribute to your mother, and I am sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  • 5. Cindy La Joy  |  January 1, 2007 at 3:17 pm

    Tina, I know how you feel, my Dad died when I was 25 and never got to meet any of my 3 children. It is one of the more heartbreaking things about infertility…in fact the only thing that really gets to me. He would have been a terrific and involved grandpa. However, I have had unique moments with my older son that let me know that Dad indeed knows exactly what is going on and is connected spiritually with my kids. Your mom IS with you during this, believe me, just look for the little signs that only you will be able to understand are from her đŸ™‚ And look towards others she sends to fill her role as mom at this important time in your life. Instead of the sorrow you feel, rejoice that soon you will be hearing her very own words uttered from your lips…you know, things like “Stop that or your eyes will stay that way!” “I told you so…” and yes, even “I love you so much!” that you will whisper to your new child.

    I am so glad we are traveling this road together at the same time and can share it through our blogs. I’d love nothing more than to meet you in person in Bishkek or Almaty this spring!
    Cindy

    Reply

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