Top Ten Stupid Things People Say about Adoption

December 31, 2006 at 5:49 pm 8 comments

My husband invited me to dine out with him on a business dinner. This always seems fun and I jumped at the chance for adult conversation and an excuse to actually blow-dry my hair and put on lipstick.

We met up for dinner at a local Mexican restaurant and it was all seemingly fine. I was on ‘social cruise-control’ and doing more listening than talking which was fine. The couple had brought along their teenage daughter who was mature and blended into the conversation pretty well. Earlier in the conversation, my husband had mentioned that we were adopting and that filling out the paperwork was my other full time job besides being a SAHM.

As appetizers ended and dinner was being served and eaten, it became more and more apparent that we were listening to them go on and on and on about themselves. Occasionally, we would try to segue into another topic, but it always came back to them. It was getting comical when all of a sudden, the woman really put her foot in it. She was talking about how children need to be taught responsibilities early on and how she had given her daughter chores when she was three years old. Then she made a little eye-rolling faces in the direction of her daughter and remarked how now that she’s a teenager, she’s messy and never makes her bed. “That’s when you threaten to give them up for adoption” Yeah, she said those words. I think I made a weird noise, a hybrid kind of word somewhere between ‘huh?’ and ‘nooooo’ Flabbergasted I was. I think she tried to gloss over it, but it’s not all clear in my memory. I think my mouth hung open a minute or so while I re-focused.

So, I’m thinking, “Note to self: dinners with clients are fine. Just not with them.”

How do we, as people involved in adoption, deal with people like this? Is there a way to tell someone something so that they hear the message and not get defensive? I hate that I sat there and really did nothing. It just so minimizes the feelings behind the relinquishing a child. I do have a sense of humor, I really do. It’s just that this isn’t funny. I mean, they knew we are adopting. Whatever. Capital W.

Ok, so without further delay, here are some of the dumbest, most asinine things people have said to me after I tell them we’re adopting. (in no particular order as I struggle to relive them)
10. The Story Above
9. You should try in-vitro
8. How much do you have to pay for your child?
7. Let me tell you the story I heard about someone who knows someone else who
adopted a baby and that baby is really messed up.
6. Why aren’t you adopting domestically? Those kids need a home too.
5. I don’t care what anyone says, in adoption you really are buying a baby. (from another adoptive parent)
4. You’re not adopting an newborn? You should get ’em as young as possible.
3. Aren’t there always problems with attachment?
2. The kid will always have issues about that. (Yeah….I know!!)
And our perennial favorite – such a cliche…..

1. Now that you’re adopting, you’re going to get pregnant.

Yes, all those things have been said to me, personally in the last few months. Here’s to a more educated 2007.

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Entry filed under: Adoption, infertility, International Adoption.

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. structureguy  |  January 1, 2007 at 12:16 am

    “Here’s to a more educated 2007″…AMEN. As someone who’s heard most of these comments also, I wholeheartedly agree.

    Reply
  • 2. tapsalteerie  |  January 1, 2007 at 7:30 am

    How about the fil that keeps asking about the CAUCASIAN girl that you are NOT adopting instead of the 2 KYRGYZ boys that you ARE?

    Reply
  • 3. Tiffanni  |  January 1, 2007 at 11:46 am

    People are idiots. Yep…plain and simple. I am sorry you had to deal with that at dinner.
    & yes, I think we have all been hit with those stupid comments.
    I just don’t know what people are thinking sometimes.

    Reply
  • 4. reunionwritings  |  January 1, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    What a stupid thing for that woman to say that to you, does she know you are adopted as well as planning to adopt?

    Mothers like me get stupid comments too, like you should be over it by now, just be grateful, well she would have grown up and moved out of the house by this time anyway…..

    Stupid comments galore!!

    Happy New Year.

    Reply
  • 5. Michelle  |  January 1, 2007 at 10:01 pm

    So sorry you have had those bad experiences. I have been lucky enough to avoid those so far. I don’t know what I would have said…maybe “food fight!”. Just a suggestion for next time.

    Reply
  • 6. beyok  |  January 2, 2007 at 6:47 am

    what a great list!!! i loved this post…it made me write my own

    Reply
  • 7. beyok  |  January 2, 2007 at 7:08 am

    ugh…didn’t link mine out correctly. here’s my list.

    Reply
  • 8. Jamie  |  January 2, 2007 at 12:03 pm

    I was actually told this week that I shouldn’t adopt from Kyrgyzstan because the children won’t be white. I can’t believe that I was told that, and by my grandmother of all people. I think you’re asking the right question: How do we respond?!

    Reply

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