Would you like a side of rage with your issues?

April 1, 2007 at 11:20 am 14 comments

Maybe it’s because I just hate this waiting period between the two trips. Maybe it’s because part of me is selfish. Maybe it’s because part of me still hates that there is a need for adoption in the world. Maybe part of me can’t believe that I’m bringing a little person into our family who will be carrying around some of the pain I’ve been carrying around my whole life and that terrifies me. Maybe it’s because that when I’ve written about adoption here on this blog, I’ve been editing my voice so carefully so as to not step on anyone, especially first moms and other adoptees. But I’ll tell you…I just can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted and pissed off too. I know, I know, it shouldn’t matter one iota what someone else says or thinks about what I’m doing. Old habits die hard and I’ve been trying not to rock the boat in my life for as long as I can remember and pretty much not done a good job at it. So, hang on….choppy waters ahead.

I do a lot of reading on others’ blogs. I send and receive a lot of email and it’s been really enlightening, informative and entertaining. Where it gets dicey is the topic of adoption reform and peoples’ opinions on How the World Should Be. Adoption brings up a lot of opinions, usually very bold, broad-sweeping opinions. I used to do that too. And I share more in common with the active adoption reformers than what we don’t share. But somehow, in some ways, in the adoption reform world out there in the blogosphere, apparantly I suck. Yeah, it’s my blog and I’ll delete if I want to…delete if I want to…
I get some nasty feedback. So, I just want to say, “People, you are barking up the wrong tree.” I am not the enemy. And, ok…I’ll just come right out and say what I truly believe. There will always be some level of need for adoption, for poverty and sexism and tragedy will never be eradicated from our planet. So all of you out there who are totally and completely against adoption and think it’s wrong and horrible, I say, “People, you are barking up the wrong tree.” And what I mean when I say this is, it’s just not enough to talk about how much we hate something or think something is wrong. That’s easy. Yeah, I get to say that because I’ve been through it. I’m in the small, select group of someone who is adopted and who is also adopting. So, let’s put that anger to work. Let’s do what we can to help the people of the world to keep their families together. Write letters of support to the agencies I have listed on my blogroll so that adoption can go forward in an ethical manner. Let’s contribute to organizations like Heifer International which helps communities in third world nations to help themselves out of poverty. Put down your pitchforks against all adoptive parents because generalizing and vilifying isn’t helping and it isn’t the answer.

Even with my ‘careful’ voice in this blog, I have managed to get some judgemental responses and emails. I am asking you to take some time to read what I have written in the archives, read about who I am, ask me some questions and then judge me. Let’s engage in constructive feedback instead of black and white statements and forget the insults. But I’ll say right here that for all of my own angry adoption reform past, I’m so glad I’ve softened. I’m grateful to be able to see the grey areas. I’m happy to say that I feel so proud of what we are doing as a family. I feel so lucky too. I’m beginning to feel overly protective as well, which might account for this post. Let’s use our angery as a force for good ok? And, for anyone who wrote me something hateful or stupid, I forgive you.

As you were.


Entry filed under: adopting, Adoption, International Adoption.

The luckiest Mama Happy Easter!

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. thalya  |  April 1, 2007 at 11:42 am

    Imtina, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been given a hard time. This just seems such an emotional and difficult area, with so much pain and so much ‘knowing’ where there is really no ability to know. the only other area similarly fraught seems to me to be abortion and the arguments about women’s bodies that surround it. Strange that these two troubled, dificult and emotive debates both have so much to do with sexual politics. well done for saying your piece, i hope it is well received.

  • 2. Michelle  |  April 1, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    Yeah Sister….let’s key someone’s car!
    Seriously, if someone wants to engage in an intelligent debate about international adoption – a mean, offhanded comment on a blog is not the appropriates way to do it. It is a small-minded, cowardly way to do it.

  • 3. Kim  |  April 1, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    Was someone mean to you?

    We all get that, it doesn’t matter what side of the fence you are on.

    It’s such a multi layered and complex situation, adoption. There really isn’t black and white is there?

    Even with my situation I have all kinds of layers and have to sit on the fence with some areas.

    Sorry someone was mean to you.

  • 4. actofkindness  |  April 1, 2007 at 4:31 pm


    If anyone does not see the need for adoption, tell them to put a little $$$ where there mouth is and come see me over there, Then maybe they will have an informed opinion.

    I can show them Central Asia countries (closed Nations that I am not allowed to talk about for fear of safety for our staff) that do not allow adoption, I can show them Children that would be otherwise Perfectly normal become well…. Now you have gotten me going. Like I say, They need to Put up or shut up. One week with me, and they will NEVER be the same again .
    Blessings John

  • 5. Margie  |  April 1, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    Well said, Tina! And you are right – in spite of the emotion that draws people to one side of the issue or the others, there IS a lot of grey. I’m really sorry you’ve taken it on the chin.

    What you write about your experience is making a difference, no question. Thank you for doing that.

  • 6. artsweet  |  April 2, 2007 at 4:43 am

    Everyone else wrote deep profound things, so I will just say this:

    AMEN! Please don’t let the bastards grind you down Tina!

  • 7. imhelendt  |  April 2, 2007 at 8:15 am

    Tina- Use the delete button. And are ya kidding me? USE THE RAGE! This post was too nice. You KNOW what it would have been in MY hands. ;D

  • 8. Sad Cow Disease..... « kim kim’s reunion writings  |  April 2, 2007 at 10:23 am

    […] Just to show the lovely Tina that we all get ridiculous comment so it’s not personal. […]

  • 9. Louise  |  April 2, 2007 at 11:13 am

    Sorry to hear that you have been getting nasty comments on your blog. I guess that the trolls are everywhere!

  • 10. mom2one  |  April 2, 2007 at 11:28 am

    Oh my. Yes, as much as it would be great for families to stay together, I also think that adoption will always be in this world for one reason or another and that these children will be better off in families. Forever and ever, Amen.

    Those who think differently can disagree nicely. If not, they can BITE ME

  • 11. imtina  |  April 2, 2007 at 6:34 pm

    Thanks everyone. I got that out of my system and I feel better now. Also, shopping for baby shoes helps too 🙂


  • 12. Tiffanni  |  April 3, 2007 at 6:34 am

    Sorry that you are getting some bs comments. UGH….dude, we need to go get some more wine SOON!

  • 13. Anne  |  April 4, 2007 at 7:34 am

    Wow, have I been looking for someone like you. An adoptee whose adopting. Until we brought our daughter home from Russia, I never realized the huge, HUGE debate about adoption that existed through blogs. It’s so easy to see that a young mother being coerced into giving up her baby is so wrong and it is also easyto see that children living in overcrowded institutaions is wrong and they need homes. But, wow is there a huge grey area in between! I am so interested in your perspective and look forward to reading your archives.

  • 14. Mia  |  April 16, 2007 at 3:38 pm

    We just have to keep speaking our truth and remain open to the possibility of our truth shifting as we grow. I think the key is to keep speaking but always keep learning. I wish there was more respect in the adoption community from all sides.:o(

    I am going to go put you on my links. Thanks for adding me!


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