What I ought to feel

May 11, 2008 at 11:31 am 7 comments

…is gratitude and thankfulness.  I ought to stroke my daughters’ hair and feel the softness and feel my heart melt.  I love the cards I got and the beautiful picture frame that was handmade. 

But I am so, so sad today.  I am putting on a good show, because it’s the right thing to do.  The sadness is winning right now. 

My heart is broken in two for missing two mothers today. 

What I want, I can’t have.  What I want to do is to have my mom over for a big dinner, or to go to my childhood home and celebrate there with my daughters.  Instead, I’ll drive to the cemetary that I walked through on my way home every day after school and place nasturtiums on my mohter’s grave. 

I would love to call M. today and have her feel comfortable in accepting that she is a mother too.  I wish that even if she rejected that she is a mother, that we could at least have a relationship.  I suppose we can’t have the latter without the former.  I don’t pretend to understand or know.  I guess that’s the problem in the first place. 

So, what I ought to feel is a whole lot of gratitude.  I was never promised any children whatsoever.  I have two miracle children who are healthy and happy.  I ought to be praying for Isabel’s mother and sending her good thoughts and reassurance that her daughter is alright and loved and that I’m so sorry that her motherhood has not been given a chance.

I’m just so sad.  It’s all so unfair, all the loss.  For all of us.

 

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Entry filed under: adoptees, Adoption, Adoption Ethics, birth mothers, Children, cooking, Daughters, Family, first mothers, infertility, International Adoption, Isabel, Kyrgyzstan, Motherhood, Parenting, rants, support, Zannie.

How To Eat An Apple – By Isabel If you are about to adopt – reset your compass

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. haze  |  May 11, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    It’s a bittersweet day for you without your mother here. You know she is watching over you and your girls, proud of the mother you have become and continue to become.

    Adding a birthmother into the equation adds another level of complexity and grief. But take comfort in the fact you are raising your girls in the best of homes and with all the love in the world. In the end, that’s the most important thing to keep sight of.

    Reply
  • 2. michelle  |  May 11, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    should and ought are words that are bad for you! Life and emotions are what they are and you are entitled to them so don’t feel bad about having them. Sometimes we have to visit those sad places…it is a testament to your good mothering that you can visit there alone. Some people take their family with them. You have some darn happy looking kids (and stylish too!) noone promised you that or gave you that…that is all your doing sister.

    Reply
  • 3. justenjoyhim  |  May 11, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    You have a generous heart, Tina. *hugs* to you on this Mother’s Day.

    Reply
  • 4. Suzanne  |  May 11, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    My sweet friend, I’m so sorry you have all this sorrow in your heart, but I’m not at all surprised. To lose one mother must be so painful. To lose two is too hard for me to imagine. How could mother’s day not be bittersweet for you, at best?

    The mother you have become, amidst your loss (in spite of it? because of it?), is strong, beautiful, loving, nurturing, accepting, expressive, empathetic and whole. This is the gift your mothers have unwittingly given to your daughters. I hate that you have had to endure sadness to become the mother, the woman you are. But, oh, have those two women ever sculpted you into a magnificent work of art!

    You’re in my heart, today especially-
    Suzanne

    Reply
  • 5. marcys  |  May 12, 2008 at 10:46 am

    Many of us are sad on Mothers Day, usually if we’ve lost our mothers. There are no “shoulds” when it comes to emotions.

    Reply
  • 6. Margie  |  May 20, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    Hey, Tina, very belated Mother’s Day wishes to you. It can be such a hard day.

    Reply
  • 7. Kim  |  June 7, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    SO sorry for you loss…. NCLM

    Reply

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