Posts filed under ‘rants’

How To Mess up Two Women’s Lives With Hardly Any Effort – A True Story of Lies, Secrecy & Denial

If you happen to have about 45 minutes or so…here’s a truly compelling story from NPR.  This isn’t your ordinary baby-switching story.  In this piece, in which all major players are interviewed, you will hear about how one of the mothers knew  that her baby had been switched, but went along with her husband’s wishes not to make any waves or make the doctor look incompetent.  You will really be hooked after about 5 minutes listening to this.  So, grab your knitting, or fill your sink with dishes or find something to do while you listen.  You’ll need something to do so you can channel your shock and outrage.

http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=360

August 12, 2008 at 12:51 pm 4 comments

One Word Meme Along With NaJuPicMo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me, sometime last year making my famous pilaf.  This is more cleavage than I usually post, but I’m living dangerously lately!

This, from the ever-lovely Margie at Third Mom is inviting others to do a one word meme.  I edited it a bit to add in my four parents and I hope that was alright to do. So…here goes…

1. Where is your cell phone? Car
2. Your significant other? Snoring
3. Your hair? Auburn
4. Your mother? Gone
5. Your father? Stuck

4a.Other Mother? Hiding

5a. Other Father? Connected
6. Your favorite time of day? Night
7. Your dream last night? Cooking
8. Your favorite drink? Tea
9. Your dream goal? Acceptance
10. The room you’re in? Dining
11. Your ex? Mean
12. Your fear? Loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14. What you are not? Lazy
15. Your Favorite meal? Chez Panisse
16. One of your wish list items? Serger
17. The last thing you did? Clean
18. Where you grew up? California
19. What are you wearing? Jeans
20. Your TV is? Stupid
21. Your pets? Fish
22. Your computer? Inviting
23. Your life? Tapestry
24. Your mood? Keen

25. Missing someone? Horribly
26. Your car? Zippy
27. Something you’re not wearing? Tattoo
28. Favorite store? Oilily
29. Your summer? Smoky
30. Your favorite color? Green
31. When is the last time you laughed? Morning
32. When is the last time you cried? Morning
33. Your health? Robust
34. Your children? Heartwarming
35. Your future? Opportunities
36. Your beliefs? Strong
37. Young or old? Pffffft
38. Your image? Changing
39. Your appearance? Momish
40. Would you live your life over again knowing what you know? Yes

July 6, 2008 at 11:27 pm 2 comments

NaJuPicMo

 
<img src=”http:// ” alt=”najupicmo” />

I totally just invented this, but I’m excited.  Here’s the selling point…sooooooo much easier than NaMoBlahBlah… whatever that thingy is.  Anyway, the ideas is that July is for posting pictures.  Post one picture a day.  No text necessary!  Take a picture of your vacation, your breakfast, the sweater you’re knitting, your bathroom renovations, the progress your teeth whitening strips are making, your sunflowers in the garden, the plums you brought home from the farmers’ market,WHATEVER! A picture a day…it’s all we ask. 

I fully understand and appreciate that I could have and should have thought of this and promoted it beginning about two weeks ago, but better a tad late than never.  So…I’ll kick things off by posting pictures of our Kyrgyz picnic and get-together in San Diego. 

Isabel with Lyudmilla, coordinator from Kyrgyzstan

 

Lyudmilla with Izzy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judge from Tokmok

 

 

 

 

 

Izzy enjoying the teacups at Disneyland

 

 

 

 

So, tomorrow I’ll be back and see how many of you are doing this!

 

 

July 1, 2008 at 10:56 pm 8 comments

Dude, where’s my post?

I’m having serious blogger’s block.  My last post was a big giant spa treatment for my soul and since then, I’ve tried to sit down and write again, some more…something.  Anything.  The words, they don’t come. 

So, I thought that what I could do is have a bit of an open mike jam session and put it out there to anyone reading.  Since I get emails every day with some kind of question relating to my blog, why dontcha just ask me here in the comments following.  Go ahead and be anonymous if ya want to.  Ask me anything.  Or, take me to task.  Whatev. 

The floor is yours…

 

 

June 10, 2008 at 10:27 am 21 comments

If you are about to adopt – reset your compass

The following will be a list of ideas and concepts to reconsider during your wait.  This is, in part a reaction to the changing face of wordpress adoption blogs and it seems that we have some work to do.  So, in no particular order (and feel free to add more in the comments section) here are things that PAP’s, in my opinion as both adoptee and adoptive parent, must confront before adopting. 

VERNACULAR 

1. She is not a birthmother if she hasn’t given birth or signed termination of parental rights.  If you are ‘matched’ with a pregnant woman considering adoption, she isn’t ‘your’ birthmother and the baby isn’t yours either. 

2. Also, let’s give the terms original mother, first mother and other mother a fighting chance.  Consider a woman’s feelings and worth when reducing her role when you call her ‘birthmother’

3. Don’t ever breathe one single negative word about your child’s mother, father, state, country, race or culture.  Not for any reason.  If there are disturbing facts in the situation, state them plainly and support the feelings that may come.  But don’t add commentary. 

EXPECTATIONS

1. Tough, but the truth.  No one owes you anything.  Infertility does not buy you the right to parent someone else’s baby.  Sucks, but there it is. 

2. And this isn’t going to win over any friends, but…here it goes… God did not hand-pick, or decide to have someone else get pregnant for YOUR benefit.  Believe me, I can understand how it feels that your child is perfect for you, was the missing piece in your family, or is spiritually connected to you.  That still does not mean that there was a grand, benevolent or divine plan,  to have a misfortune befall a woman, so that a child could fulfill your family, or so that you could feel as though you are doing what your church teaches you is right.  Children are not pawns.  Neither are their mothers.  Also, just because you believe that children ought to have a two-parent home in which the parents are married, still does not earn you the right to dictate what ought to happen to the child. 

3. Along these lines, later on in life, do not tell your child that she ‘grew in the wrong tummy’.  Do not tell her that she was’chosen’.  Do not tell him that you were able to give him ‘a better life’  It’s a different life…you can’t know that your family and life would be better.  Don’t go into an adoption without the implicit understanding that your family will be different than if you had had children biologically.  You are taking on extra responsibilities. This means that your child needs nurturing that encompasses their feelings which typically include, but are not exclusive of: lifelong feelings of rejection, insecurity, a certain ‘otherness’ and also feelings of grandiosity.  Do you have a longterm plan to support your child if you begin to see these things creep up?  Do not minimize the impact of adoption.  Yes, even if you adopted at birth.  Ask any newborn baby who they want to be with.   They want to be with that lady who sounds familiar. 

4. Put your infertility issues in the past.  If you are adopting straight out of the doctor’s stirrups, you are setting up a highly charged situation which can propel you into unethical behavior such as coercion of a pregnant woman.  Again, it isn’t appropriate for a woman to decide on adoption until after her baby is born, as well as having an advocate who is talking with her about all her options and telling her of the support available to her.  If you have a serious broken heart, and a houseful of baby stuff – that’s some serious danger! danger! Will Robinson.  A child you adopt should not be put to work by being there to heal the serious and lingering pain of infertility.  Besides, healing doesn’t work that way anyway. 

5. Do nothing but encourage honest feelings from your child about how they see their adoption. 

6. Do not lie or misrepresent facts to your child.  Adoption happened to your child and they had no say in the matter.  Honor your child with the truth.  Do as much as you can to obtain their original birth certificate. 

7. If your child is old enough to know their name, which is probably younger than you might think, don’t change his name. 

8. And just because you see the world and people of color as represented by a beautiful rainbow of colors does not mean that the rest of the world does.  The public can be a cruel place for your child.  People say stupid and racist things.  Be prepared for this if you have adopted a child whose skin color does not match yours.  How will you teach your child tolerance while others are being intolerant?.

GET BRAINY

Read Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew – Sherry Eldridge

Don’t read books about how you can say and do things that will speed up the process.  Yes, there is a book like this. 

CHECK ON YOUR AGENCY

Check with your state for any grievances or complaints on file regarding your adoption and/or placing agency.  Email previous clients, find ones who are not on the provided list given to you from the agency. 

In closing, this is not a transaction.  We are dealing with human lives.  And, as beautiful as you might see the whole idea of adoption, for those of us who have experienced the many feelings of loss because of adoption, we ask you to consider the above.  Don’t strip away or deny what is real and what may be troubling for the others involved, namely your child and his or her mother.  Please uphold the bond between mother and child.  Celebrate family…the one you’ve created and the family that your child also has somewhere else. 

If you can’t do these things, or at the very least, be willing to examine and challenge your given ideas or even your core beliefs, then you probably aren’t ready to be an adoptive parent. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 21, 2008 at 11:44 pm 95 comments

What I ought to feel

…is gratitude and thankfulness.  I ought to stroke my daughters’ hair and feel the softness and feel my heart melt.  I love the cards I got and the beautiful picture frame that was handmade. 

But I am so, so sad today.  I am putting on a good show, because it’s the right thing to do.  The sadness is winning right now. 

My heart is broken in two for missing two mothers today. 

What I want, I can’t have.  What I want to do is to have my mom over for a big dinner, or to go to my childhood home and celebrate there with my daughters.  Instead, I’ll drive to the cemetary that I walked through on my way home every day after school and place nasturtiums on my mohter’s grave. 

I would love to call M. today and have her feel comfortable in accepting that she is a mother too.  I wish that even if she rejected that she is a mother, that we could at least have a relationship.  I suppose we can’t have the latter without the former.  I don’t pretend to understand or know.  I guess that’s the problem in the first place. 

So, what I ought to feel is a whole lot of gratitude.  I was never promised any children whatsoever.  I have two miracle children who are healthy and happy.  I ought to be praying for Isabel’s mother and sending her good thoughts and reassurance that her daughter is alright and loved and that I’m so sorry that her motherhood has not been given a chance.

I’m just so sad.  It’s all so unfair, all the loss.  For all of us.

 

May 11, 2008 at 11:31 am 7 comments

This Weekend Took A Lot Out Of Me

Taking a detour from our regular topics here at Hearts, I am compelled to write about my friend Craig who passed away recently and whose memorial I attended Saturday.  I ought to put the word memorial in quotes because it was not a memorial.  Only his sister spoke.  She eulogized him and told the story of his life, and her idea of others participating was to raise your glass when you heard her speak of the era in which you met him.  I was speechless at how this minimized the other people in his life and how this enabled Craig’s family to control the content of the memorial.  There were about 100 people there and only she spoke. 

The elephant in the room was that Craig was gay and his sister and his family were not about to even look in the direction of the elephant.  So, when she mentioned how Craig had gone to college in the mid 80’s at how at that time he had worked in a coffee bar, that was my time to raise my glass.  That was how I was able to honor my friend at his memorial.  I sat there while I heard her minimize his personality, his creativity, his brains and smarts, his passions, and whole entire fields of his life. 

She minimized all the things that she and Craig’s family didn’t identify with therefore, enabling them to feel more comfortable. 

I had prepared a short bit to say at the memorial which I carried lamely in my hands until I fully realized that no one would speak at which point, I tucked it away back in my purse.  During the eating part of the evening, I approached Craig’s brother and asked why it was that no one else spoke.  “We felt that there were so many different groups of people here, that we decided not to do that and that others could memorialize him by sharing stories amongst themselves.”

I felt like I had fallen to the bottom of an elevator shaft when he said that.  There it was, utter proof of editing Craig’s life, even in his death.  “But, feel free to write down a special memory of him in this book…”  I was handed a small, attractive notebook in which I was supposed to encapsulate my feelings.  I pulled out my paper that had what I would have read, and stuck it in the book.  Three other people had written in it. 

Now, his family has always been kind to me and I’ve spent quite a bit of time with them over the years. (Over 20)  They know that Craig and I had a deep, lasting relationship and his sister said several very kind things to me before the memorial about how much I meant to him and he to me.  She had told the people at the funeral home that Craig had, “Not left a wife, but he had left a Tina…”  So, she knows that I and many, many others were aching and mourning for her brother’s passing.  Why was there no storytelling?  Laughing over the shared lives and experiences?  Why was that all brushed under the carpet?  Craig had not lived with being ashamed of being gay, but his family had always struggled with that and other parts of who he was, like the things that sometimes accompany a gay man’s life.  Craig was an artist in everything he did.  He wasn’t one to be put in a box.  His home, his clothing, his choices were of a person who was a true individual.  They called it ‘artsy’ which in its own way was their version of ‘weird’.  These things and more were threatening to his family.  The memorial was all about putting him into a box.  Their box.  The memorial was their memorial to their version of his life. 

I went with another dear friend of Craig’s.  We had the same reaction to the event and did our best to honor him that day and the next by telling our favorite stories and remembering things about him that we loved as well as things that annoyed us, or made us laugh.  We were outraged for him.  I went to bed very late and just before wakening, I had a dream in which I was talking to him.  In the dream I am able to talk to him, even though he has already died.  I asked him, “Wow…how are you doing?”  and he answered in a steady, regretful voice, “This weekend took a lot out of me.”

I woke up and said aloud, “I know it did….I know.”

I love you Craigeee…

craig.jpg

March 18, 2008 at 8:27 am 15 comments


I Heart Snarky Librarians

Click this star to find out how you can support Judy/JustEnjoyHim in her fight against breast cancer:
judy
girls are strong
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Blog Stats

  • 96,520 hits
August 2017
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Categories

Feeds

adoption international adoption reform identity first mothers motherhood daughters