The luckiest Mama

…happens to be me. My cup of gratitude runneth over. Court was yesterday and the judged granted our petition to become Isabel’s parents and family. I feel happy and stunned, though I don’t know why. Hearing on the phone that I am legally her mom made me want to go over there and scoop her up and do a little dance. I’ll be traveling mid-May. I can’t wait to bring her home. I would write more, but my brain isn’t working right now.

Waiting for dates

I am hearing very soon if court went well and if so, then what our travel dates are for trip #2. I think about Isabel so much. I know she is fine and being cared for very well. I just ache in my heart for her. I fell for her little personality that is showing through loud and clear. She copies the sounds we make for her. Her eyes do this cute little thing when she smiles. She grabs onto my fingers tightly. She loves to be held and we love to hold her. I miss her.

Photo Friday

Does she, or does she not take your breath away?

It’s just the beginning

Well. So we’re home. I am experiencing a huge emotional slump and I’m trying to bolster myself against it, but right now it’s kicking my butt. I should back up.

We said our good-byes on Saturday to Isabel and everyone at the orphanage. I was strong until the last minute before handing her back to her ‘Kyrgyz Grandma’ as she calls herself. We just kept kissing her little cheeks and smelling her and trying to take in all her details before leaving. Two weeks felt so long and yet it wasn’t enough. It was hard to go. We all got back in the jeep we drive to and fro in and were all a pretty silent bunch. Early next morning, we piled back into the jeep and began our 30 hour journey back home. Three flights and two good-sized layovers made for one long haul. Zannie of course was her usual incredibly patient trooper and took all the difficulties in stride. She slept, she played with her dolls, she ate a little bit, and slept some more. She really didn’t complain. Did I mention she’s five?

We got home at around 3 in the morning and we tried to sleep but we couldn’t. So, we stayed up and looked at copious amounts of felt craft we’d purchased while in Bishkek. I’ll have to take a picture of it all, I just fell in love with it so much.

Now, it’s been a couple of days home and I’ve noticed, I mean other people have told me that I’m quite edgy. Edgy might be a nice way of putting it. Today I yelled at husband for something that I did. Yeah. That’s not good. All day I felt shattered and I couldn’t figure out why. I kept trying to figure out why I feel so low. Then, I thought about Isabel. “What’s she doing? Does she wonder where we’ve gone? Does she wonder if we’re ever coming back? Does she want us to come back?” And on and on. Then, I felt whatever I’ve been trying to keep together just rip open and I realized what I was really upset about as I fell into my chair. Lots of tears spilled out and then I felt better. I’m not great, but I’m better. Maybe I’ll feel even better when I know my travel dates for the second trip.

People, I need ideas for my own personal distraction. I’ve got to keep busy. Cleaning just isn’t doing it for me. Please…keep your suggestions clean. Maybe it’s time to break out the old knitting needles.

Just before leaving…

Zannie at JFK waiting for the last flight home

It’s not easy living in an orphanage

As happy as some of my feelings have been while being here, I have to  tell you that some of the things I’ve been experiencing while visiting Isabel have been hard to fully absorb, let alone write about.  Kyrgyzstan is a third world country and has not really come into its own since the collapse of the Soviet Union.  It does not have the benefit of natural resources like other former Soviet states.  Thus, there is a lack of some basic infrastructure.  It is hard to reach out of poverty here. 

The orphanage reflects all of this.  There is no shortage of caring there though.  The nurses and caregivers are very responsive and take their duties very seriously.  The children get massage and have a cheerful play area.  But still, it is an orphanage.  A child living there has no worldly posessions of her own.  She has no privacy.  Even the clothes aren’t really belonging to any one child.  There is a lot of structure, but not enough love to go around, and certainly not a family’s love.  There is a gross lack of fresh fruits and vegetables.  The children are fed according to schedule, not according to hunger.  They are told when to play and when to sleep.  If you are pushed down by a peer, there is no motherly love to brush you off and send you off with a kiss.  The babies really don’t cry in the nurseries because they have figured out over time that their cries will not be answered immediately, but rather when the nannies are able to come.  And this is life for the healthy ones.

If you are in an orphanage and you have a disability or have special needs…life is almost unimaginable.  These past 11 days I have seen babies and children with different levels of disease and permenant learning disabilities.  It is sobering and painful to witness.  Some of what I’ve seen is even too hard for me to write about yet.  I’m still working through all of the images in my mind.  I just keep thinking how every single one of these kids just need a home.  It doesn’t have to be fancy or tidy or perfect.  It could be in Kyrgyzstan or the United States or anywhere.  They just need to have a home that is theirs.  They need a bed that they can call their own.  They need to know that they don’t have to fill their bellies to brimming when food is given to them because there will always be food for them.  They need to know that the world hasn’t given up on them, even if they feel that way.  Being an orphan, living in an orphanage, despite the good that these people do for these kids there, is not the way to grow up.  And while that seems like a ‘no brainer’ I just had to get this all out tonight.  My heart is so full and yet so broken.  I have never felt so many conflicting emotions in all my life.  I am so mentally exhausted and ready to come home.  Yet, getting on the plane without Isabel in my arms is something I am dreading.  It will be about five weeks before we’ll see her again.  She is so tiny.  When we come to see her, she is awake and the nurses say that she wakes up just a few minutes before we get there because we arrive at the same time every day.  The other babies sleep most of the time.  There isn’t anything else for them to do.  She smiles when I first hold her and look at her.  She looks at me the whole time I feed her.  We’ve got something going on, Isabel and I.  I don’t want it to stop for a second. 

So, as much as it is hard for me, it is much harder being a kid there.  And that is what I will remind myself when I am boarding the plane for home.  I will be brave, because they are ten times braver than I will ever be.

Slowly but surely

 

We are getting more and more officially closer to being Isabel’s family.  Yesterday and today we got to go see her in the orphanage and today we started the legal proceedings.  It feels very exciting.  We are nearly done with our visit and while we are enjoying it here very much, it is feeling like it is time to come home. 

To celebrate, our coordinators took us (three families over here to do our adoptions)to an authentic Kyrgyz dinner.  It was so delicious.  We had naan, tomato and cucumber salad, Chuch Vara soup, Lagman noodles, various lamb dishes, crepes and Soviet beer. Now we are back at the hotel feeling very satisfied and tired.  It was a very good day.  I am not superstitious so I will say openly that our adoption experience has been incredibly smooth and rather fast.  I am thankful for our agency who is so thorough and most of all, ethical. 

Anyway, you’re only coming here for the pictures, so here you go.  

I Heart Bishkek

It is Sunday afternoon and we have had the day ‘off’ from going to the orphanage.  I would have much rather gone and seen Isabel, but the coordinator and translators get to have a day off too.  I spend a lot of time wondering what Isabel is doing and if she is being held or if she’s sleeping and if she likes the special formula we brought her.  I am wondering how I am going to cope with getting on a plane without her in my arms. 

Yesterday when we arrived at the Tokmok orphanage, we had a brief meeting with the director of the orphanage again to discuss any questions we might have about the latest medical reports.  I had some follow-up questions from the adoption doctors in Seattle and then we were done.  I walked with Zannie over to Isabel’s little room that she shares with two other babies and when we get there, she is receiving her daily massage!  They use Swiss apple-seed oil on her and they knead her muscles and pull on her legs and arms.  They take her arms and wrap them around her like she’s hugging herself tightly.  That made her laugh and smile.  Then, she is briskly turned over and karate-chopped all over her back.  She starts to coo and the hand-chopping makes it reverberate and it is very funny.  We got it on videotape and they asked us to commit to doing it for her when we bring her home.  We nodded and said, of course!  Our interpreter was talking to the nurse in Russian and told me that she said that the nurses all saw how much we already loved her and that they were glad that she was getting a home very soon.  Also, she said that Isabel was everyone’s favorite and that they loved holding her and feeding her.  YAY!!!! 

We brought fresh bananas and apples to the toddlers and we played with Sergey and Rita (being adopted by the folks over at silk road blog…on my blogroll…) and Sergey ate two bananas in a row.  They are DARLING children and we told them that their new mama and papa were so lucky to be getting such wonderful, nice children.  They beamed. 

We’ve been exploring when we have time and energy.  I am loving the local felt crafts and plan to fill a suitcase full of it probably on the next trip to Bishkek.  If you are wealthy, there is a place here where you can have a felt rug made to your specifications with whatever colors and sizes you prefer.  There are affordable felt rugs and other little things like baby booties, ornaments in the shapes of horses, yurts, donkeys, hats, etc.  I love them all.  I really want one of the wooden hand-held thingamajig that you use to prick the naan bread before baking it.  I love buying baking things from other countries. 

Alright.  I think it’s time for me to sit awhile and gather my thoughts, feelings and energy.  We may go out tonight for a quick dinner.  Tomorrow we go back to Tokmok.  Thank Goodness.  

Eight pounds baby – six pounds clothing

This is a picture from this morning’s visit.  This is Isabel dressed with so many layers that her arms cannot physically be put down.  Underneath her snowsuit is a velour sleeper that has a hood and under the snowsuit hood and the sleeper hood are TWO more hats. Under the velour sleeper are two pairs of pants and two shirts and two pairs of socks.  Just after this picture was taken, a nurse tsk tsk’d me and brought out a wool blanket.  She was like a little package, all firm and bundled up.  We got her inside and took off maybe two layers and she still had a little sweaty brow. 

The time with her just flies by.  I kissed her cheeks and played peek a boo with her the whole time.  She had just had a bottle when we got there and so she was all happy and cooing.  Just as our time with her was ending, she zonked out.  Pictures don’t do full justice as to how darling she is.  She takes everything in when we go to a new room.  She has to look around at everything. 

It is getting much harder to leave every day.  Today I felt shattered on the drive back to Bishkek from Tokmok.  She is well taken care of and she is safe and loved and as you can see she will never be cold, but to leave her….it breaks my heart.  We are noticing a little extra plump in her cheeks and so the new formula must be helping. 

Art and Zannie played with some of the older kids and they had a ball in with them.  Art gets down on the floor and plays with the toy cars and today there were even balloons that were twisted into shapes for the kids.  Zannie met a friend and they said that the two girls can play together every day.  We are bringing the kids fresh fruit tomorrow which we are told is a big treat. 

More tomorrow. 

I could look at this picture all day

I couldn’t figure out how to rotate it, but who cares?  This was Isabel this morning after her bottle.  Those eyes!  We met with her for about an hour and then met with the director of the orphanage and went through all her medical records and how much of the new formula to give her.  We have to put some weight on her and so she’s going to start getting higher calorie stuff per doctor’s Rx. 

We came back to our room and rested a bit and then went exploring and walking all over Bishkek.  We walked through the center where there is a long park.  We were trying to find a specific place that we read about that sells traditional Kyrgyz felt and other ethnic crafts.  We weren’t sucessful in finding it, but we had a good look around.  It’s people and the city are diverse and interesting.  It truly is a meeting of so many cultures of the world in central Asia. 

Tonight I am going to try so hard to stay up later so that I’m not up again at 3 am.  Tomorrow is our third day with Isabel.  We’re going to bring her diapers as this is a cost that is hard on the orphanage. 

We are loving the food here.  Zannie has her ‘chuchvara’ every day which is strong chicken broth with chicken dumplings.  Everything is seasoned so nicely. 

I shall go to sleep tonight wondering what our girl is doing and trying to not count the days until she comes home with us.

Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful?

What a day yesterday was!  We started out for Tokmok with Lori and her Goddaughter and another Frank foundation family.  It takes almost an hour to get there.  We drove along the Tien Shen mountains and saw farms and countryside.  People live in small houses and cows, horses, chickens are walking alongside the road.  There are tiny roadside stands with people selling bottled drinks and Naan. 

We arrived at the orphanage which is a grouping of several small buildings.  The children are in different buildings according to age and need of care.  We were led into the office of the director who greeted us warmly.  We were with our coordinator Ludmilla and Irina, a translator.  She said that Lori would be going to meet her baby, who is almost a year old and so they took her to that building.  Then, they came and told us that they would be taking us to Isabel.  We walked over to a small building.  We walked into a sunny room painted blue inside with white curtains and three small cribs where three tiny girls slept.  I heard the director say, “What’s this?  Look who’s awake!” and all of a sudden, there she was.  We were looking at her.  She was all bundled up in several layers of clothing and tights and several hats.  She was smiling and looking around at all of us.  They kind of fussed with her and either put on more clothing or took some off, I can’t remember.  Literally, she was so overly clothed that she couldn’t put her arms down naturally.  They asked us if we wanted to hold her.  What a question!!  As I told Zannie we would do, I sat down and Zannie sat on my lap and we both held her for the first time together.  Isabel just looked back and forth at us.  We looked at her tiny, long fingers and she held on to our fingers with a tight grip.  She was having some gas pains and the nanny scooped her up to change her.  Then, after putting on a new diaper and putting yet another layer of clothing on her, they walked us over to a quiet, softly lit room and left us alone with her.  We had about an hour with her.  Art swears it was two hours, but it just couldn’t possibly be.  It went by in a minute it seemed.  Anyway, she was just so sweet and kept looking at the three of us.  She would seem to perk up while looking at Zannie.  Zannie was stepping into being the big sister like she’d been doing it all her life.  I was so proud of how protective she was already acting. 

Isabel started to fuss and I could tell she was hungry.  I called over to the director that she was hungry and she said that it would soon be feeding time.  Well, little Isabel was hungry NOW and didn’t let up and suddenly, a glass bottle with an enormous nipple on top arrived.  She drank it in record time. 

After her bottle her whole demeanor changed.  She was serene and suddenly her eyes were more open and she was looking directly into our eyes.  She was cooing and sometimes flashing us a gummy smile.  She had an enormous burp and then I handed her over to Art who promptly launched into his own version of lullabyes.  He can never remember the real words and so he makes up cute versions.  About two minutes later she was asleep.  And it seemed only a minute after that they came to take her back to her crib.  It was all too fast, but still so wonderful.  We are just taken in by her sweet nature. 

We drove back talking with Lori about her girl and how we all felt.  We stopped at a grocery store and bought yogurts, cereal, crackers and cheese, ‘coke light’ and some bread.  Later we had a Kyrgyz meal.  Zannie had a brothy soup with dumplings, I had plov, which is pilaf with a spicy tomato and cucumber salad, and art had a spicy soup with lamb.  We rested and went to bed early.  It is a day that I truly will never forget. 

She is just so lovely and sweet and seems to like us too.  We want to take her home with us now and I think we’d do just about anything if that could really happen.